To Live Again
by Angel from the Sea
Summary: Severus Snape, unfortunately died at the hands of Voldemort.  What is in stall for him in the afterlife? Severus/Lily
1. Chapter 1: Back at Hogwarts

_You locked all the doors  
__You thought it was safer that way  
__You put up your walls  
__And now your whole world is caving in_

_And you never said  
__You meant to save someone  
__Somebody just like me  
__Yeah you never told me  
__You wanted to love someone  
__Somebody just like me_

_You swallow your pride as  
__You're left behind  
__Counting stars to name your lies_

_- Paramore, "Just Like Me"_

**Severus was killed by Nangini and awakes in heaven, or hell. How does he survive?**

* * *

Severus awoke in the luscious lawn of Hogwarts, and saw the children running freely around the castle. He quickly got himself up and dusted his robes off. He was dressed in Slytherin colors, black, green and silver. He hurriedly walked to the castle and, as always, its luster made him feel so insignificant. Severus walked past a grand mirror and smirked to himself as he watched his robes billow behind him, warning the rest of the world that he was dangerous.

He realized shortly, that the man he was staring at was not at all the man he had seen in the mirror a few days ago. He recognized himself immediately, even with the absence of pictures from his horrid childhood. He recognized the Severus of about 16 or 17 years. He walked to the mirror, ignoring the stares he received from numerous students, and cautiously touched the mirror with his hand.

Ice cold glass stood between himself and the 16 year old Severus. Although it was truly his reflection, his innocent hands and misinformed eyes seemed foreign to him. His cold, erudite eyes appeared startled at the apparent innocence in the boy's eyes. Severus stared at the boy, watching him stare back with incredulous eyes.

Was this some trick of Voldemort's? The last thing he could remember was Nangini springing to attack. So perhaps, he was dead and had gone to Hell. Yes, Severus decided that reliving his childhood was about the worst punishment any God, or whatever may decide his fate, could give.

Must he relive the torturous ridicule from the two relentless Marauders? Must he endure the pain inflicted on him as he watched those, well, the one only, walk away from him? He wondered for a second what day it was, and what year he was supposed to be in.

Suddenly, Mulciber, a would-be death eater called his name. "Snape! We need to study for our O. and you promised to me and Avery that you would come. Now, let's go," he said to Severus as Severus turned to follow him.

Severus and Mulciber arrived in the Hogwarts Library which was just as grand as Severus had remembered it from before the Battle of Hogwarts. The walls were lined with books of all sorts, mythical, educational, some dark volumes which probably were taken off the shelves after a number of Hogwarts students, himself included, joined the ranks of Voldemort as Death Eaters.

Severus opened a book on potions, _Potions for the Advanced Potioneer_ and slammed it on the table. "Read this chapter and I will quiz you in ten minutes." He then grabbed a Dark Arts book and skimmed through the beginning. After ten minutes, he began interrogating his two 'friends' as if he were a teacher. He almost started taking points like he would if he were back in his classroom. Maybe he would still become a teacher in this other world.

He promptly ended the study session, and retreated further into the library, searching for a date. He was in his fifth year, that he had surmised, but the date remained elusive to him. He was exiting the library when he saw her.

There, sitting in a bright orange armchair, her legs tucked under her and her eyes going back and forth reading the lines of some book, was Lily. Lily Evans, not Lily Potter, with her vibrant red hair cascading down her back, some locks resting on her shoulders. It was Lily, whose eyes he had stared into for six years long after her death, hating the eye's owner, Harry Potter. But he wanted her eyes to be the last thing he saw before he died. So was he in heaven? He got to spend days with her, alive and not just some memory. At least, she was alive to him.

Severus didn't approach her; he just continued walking out of the library. He did not wish to disturb the peace radiating from her person.

He strode to the Slytherin common rooms, following a younger slytherin, and stepping carefully through the portrait after the boy proudly said the password, _serpentsortia_.

Severus walked briskly through the dimly lit dungeon to the calendar hanging beside the fireplace. Yesterday's date was crossed out in green, so today was the 5th of March. And on the sixth, Severus said the one word that ruined his entire future: Mudblood.

* * *

**I plan on making this into a longer fic. Is it worth it? Or, should I just post one more chapter and be done with it?**


	2. Chapter 2: Wonderful

**Well heres chapter 2, chapter 3 by tuesday hopefully, that should be an exciting chapter. :)**

* * *

_I'd catch a grenade for ya  
Throw my hand on a blade for ya  
I'd jump in front of a train for ya  
You know I'd do anything for ya_

I'd go through all this pain for ya  
Take a bullet straight through the brain for ya  
Yes I would die for you baby  
But you won't do the same

_~ "Grenade" - Bruno Mars_

_

* * *

_

So Severus stared at the calendar, unmoving, refusing to accept what he was supposed to do. He didn't know _what_ he was supposed to do. Could he possibly change the future? But he had died and gone to Hell, wasn't that established already? He turned around robotically and found his old trunk with his belongings, and, assuming that the bed was his, crawled in.

He pulled the covers up to his face and, although it was only eight o'clock, willed his brain to shut off and fell asleep.

Severus felt something poking his side. He swatted at it and sat up, startled. "End your juvenile tricks and pray tell what the matter is."

Mulciber stood by his bed and almost shouted, "What the matter is? You best get your ass up and to potions or else you ain't gunna be able to help me an' Avery! Now get! You got ten minutes Snape." Mulciber turned away at the sound of his name being called by some seventh year girl and left Snape to get ready.

Snape figured that he would have a droll time in potions, providing he wasn't paired with the incompetent fool Mulciber. However did Mulciber gain the Dark Lords favor? A question Severus still didn't know the answer to.

Snape dressed hastily in his usual dark robes, and gathered his books. He had picked up a few books on death and the afterlife at the Hogwarts Library, and tactfully transfigured them into potions books, so that only he could read what actually was written in the books. He knew the content inside and out, so he was able to replace the words accurately as well.

"Yo Snape, let's go or else the Slug's gunna murder me. Well, I know you ain't got nothin to worry about, but he'll be furious with me." Avery begged Severus to hurry up. Severus complied, but kept his distance, completely ignoring his 'friends'. Severus advanced meaningfully to his seat in the dungeons. He felt slightly odd at watching Professor Slughorn teach _his _class. Slughorn was not deducting nearly enough points from Gryffindor for all of their sly remarks.

Halfway through the class, Lily Evans's partner, James, dropped a ladle of boiling scurvy-grass onto Lily. Lily let out a shriek, and James burst into laughter. Severus moved so fast to her that someone may have thought that he had been next to her all along. Lily's arm was red and puffy from the burn, and little green dots were starting to appear. Severus vanished the contents of the cauldron that James and Lily had been working in, and charmed a knife to begin chopping catepillars, necessary ingredients for soothing the burn and helping the green spots disappear.

By now, most of the class had stopped working and was staring at Severus and Lily. Severus continued making the potion, deftly adding sliced mandrake roots and charming the ladle to stir. Lily had almost forgot about her arm, as she was so amazed by Severus's determination to create this potion. Horace Slughorn got up from his desk and trudged to where Severus and Lily were standing, and a whole crowd of Slytherins and Gryffindors were watching. "Everyone back away!" bellowed the professor. "Give them some space," he said as he pushed James aside.

James's eyes widened as he comprehended the scene with shock. Snape, trying to help _his _Lily? That was absurd! James pushed his way back to the girl he was in love with, and begged, "Please Snape, let me, do . . . something, to help her." James took the enchanted ladle and began turning it.

Severus was enraged. "Do you wish for me to begin the potion over again? Take your hands off of my potion!" Severus dipped his scarf into the potion and placed his scarf over Lily's arm.

James retaliated and shoved Snape into a nearby wall. "Yeah? Well you take your hands off of my _girl_, Snivellus." Professor Slughorn intervened and sent James flying backwards with a flick of his wand.

Lily poured some more of Severus's concoction onto her arm, smiling as the pain lessened. She completely ignored the fact that James was near her feet, stepped over him and stood by Severus. "Thank you Snape for the potion. My arm feels better already." Lily smiled at him.

Severus scowled, "Next time make sure your _boyfriend_" he sneered the word, "doesn't interfere." He accioed his books from his desk and stalked out of the room. Lily's facial expression demonstrated that this was normal 'Snape' behavior. He hated being thanked, she should have known that. Thanks and praise are amoung the multitude of things that Severus Snape despised.

While walking through the halls, Severus was thinking, _well that went wonderfully_.


	3. Chapter 3: Thoughts

_One thing  
Two do  
Three words  
Four you_

_I love you_

There's only  
One way  
Two say those  
Three words  
And that's what I'll do

_I love you 3_

_~ Plain White T's_

* * *

Severus entered the Room of Requirement, only requiring a place to collect his thoughts. Firstly, he had done the boy version of screeching, as Severus never screeches, and completely blown it with Lily. As long as he hid out in here, he wouldn't have to face her again. He felt terrible. But how was he supposed to confront the one he knew he loved? Beg her to go out with him like that idiot Potter? That idea, among other ridiculously romantic fluff, was highly improbable, near impossible.

Secondly, he had yet to figure out why he was sent back to this time period. Was it to win Lily's heart? Or some other reason that had not shown itself at the moment. Perhaps he wasn't sent back in time at all? Maybe he was dead and was dreaming. But if this were a dream, shouldn't he be able to 'force' Lily to love him? But just the idea made him feel sick. Forced love was the epitome of wizarding wrongs. The monsters created from forced love were horrendous. Those who worshipped their lovers were disgusting, and Voldemort, created from a union of forced love was utterly horrific. Dark leaders, like Voldemort and Grindewald instilled a sort of forced love to their followers. In a sense they all loved him. Not for his personality, although one could argue in favor of that with the case of Bellatrix, but that was irrelevant. He would not force anyone to love him.

Thirdly, he was completely unprepared to face Sirius, knowing that Harry would look up to Sirius, and how he had changed. He didn't by any means respect that boy-dog, that childish fool who snuck out at night to meet Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws in broom closets. But, still, he admired, no not admired, but perhaps respected the happiness that Sirius felt in his childhood. Sirius came from a horrible childhood, but still managed to do well with people and relationships. How come Severus was so different?

Why couldn't he just have a normal relationship with Lily? Things were deteriorating fast, I mean, for heaven's sake she called him Snape! But, then again, she probably has to deal with constant remarks from her 'real friends' about why she hangs out with him. He would patch things up with her today, and make sure that he protected Lily from any harm, including that of his own doing. He would distance himself from his old friends, Mulciber, Avery, Nott, Lestrange and Rosier. He would not be sucked in to the lugubrious hole of pain and suffering. He would be strong.

"Snape, you been a real arse lately," said Avery as he saw Severus in the Room of Requirement. "Yo've forget about the meetin' you promised to us about the Dark Arts. Get your brain back to earth man. Back dungeons. Now." Avery spun around on his heels and later could be heard yelling at a second year for walking to close to him. Severus sighed. He would cancel the meeting and avoid his supercilious, Dark-Arts-crazy 'friends' and make up with Lily, today.

Within the next twenty minutes, he vowed to himself, he would regain Lily's friendship and trust. Severus now had twenty minutes to invent a plan to lure Lily away from James. Because if there was no Lily Potter, there would not be a Harry Potter.

Severus wandered around the castle for a while, until he came up with a plot. It may take more than twenty minutes, but the time constraint was only to get him thinking. He sent off a patronus to Lily. His patronus remained the same, embarrassing doe, refusing to change. Then he swiftly walked to the astronomy tower, where he would wait. If Lily did not show up within thirty minutes, he would construct an alternate plan and follow through with that plan.

He transfigured an armchair out of a pebble on the ground and sat in it, memories flooding back to him. He slouched in his chair. If only. If only he hadn't called her a mudblood, which he was adamant about not repeating. If only he had not strolled across the path of Voldemort. If only he had not relayed the information of the prophecy to his master. If only he hadn't been such a git to those who tried to help him. If only he hadn't murdered the only man he tried not to be a git to. If only that man hadn't forced him to murder him. If only he opened up sometimes. If only there wasn't a reason for him to stay clammed up. If only his childhood wasn't so rotten. If only he had known love and been shown how to love when he was little.

If only he could realize that Lily was in front of him, standing awkwardly, waiting for him to say something. "Uh, Severus? Hi, sorry about earlier, I forgot that you hated thanks. But I really do app . . ."

Severus cut her off. "Don't. Say. Anything to me Lily. Just sit. I have, a confession and some other trivialities to explain." Lily looked pointedly around her for a chair, and upon failing to find one, Severus wordlessly conjured one for her and gestured in its direction. She sat down and pulled her legs under her, resting her elbow on one of the armrests and leaned her head on her hand. She smiled in encouragement to Severus, silently trying to get through to his head, _it's okay Severus, I've known you for so long, and even though I don't agree with your choices, I still sort of like you._ Severus merely glared at her.

* * *

**Next chapter: Severus talks to Lily. Well, talks is an understatement. Sorry if I went on a tangent with Sev's thoughts. Let me know what you think should happen. I'm interested to hear your thoughts. :) And if tomorrow is a snow day, then there will be a new chapter up tomorrow. If not, by Thursday? . . . hopefully. Well, I'm wishing for snow, so Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. :)**


	4. Chapter 4: Communications

**Hey, due to the snow day, I was able to post this today. Enjoy! It's a longer chapter because I had time today. Note: Severus died and this is the afterlife for him. He did not porkey or apparate or time travel or anything else of the sort. He died. Hope that clears up some of the confusion, but not all of it, some must wait until later in the fic. It _is_ under the mystery genre if some haven't noticed. **

* * *

_I think I love you.  
Then what am I so afraid of?  
I'm afraid that I'm not sure of  
A love there is no cure for._

_Believe me,  
I only want to make you happy.  
And if you say hey go away I will  
But I think better still  
I had better stick around and love you._

_~ David Cassidy "I think I love you"_

She believed that he valued her, but to what extent she did not know. As a friend? An acquaintance? She was sure that he preferred his other friends, Nott, Avery and the others to her. Whenever they walked by him, he straightened up and looked…menacing? No he never looked menacing, he just looked resilient. He seemed as if nothing in the world could come between him and what he wanted.

Lily knew that James was cruel to Severus, but anytime she tried to defend him, one or the other got angry, and spewed fire at her. If she protected Sev, then she was teased and hurt by Sirius mainly, and when she tried to defend James's actions, Severus went on a bout of not speaking to her. She waited for him to speak, knowing that whatever he wanted to say, he would relay it to her somehow.

After a minute of staring, he spoke again. "I feel as though my acquaintances are not sufficient communicators. They speak, but never listen. And when they do listen, they fail to comprehend. And on the rare occasion that one comprehends, all of my intent is lost upon him." He paused, waiting for a response of some sort: an interjection perhaps. 'I listen, I understand.' But he heard nothing, so he continued. "I wish that someone would take the time to pay attention. I follow others, but never have been much of a leader. I doubt myself, so I go the easiest route. I let everyone hate me. I enjoy it. No expecting glances, no unsatisfied grimaces to worry about. My father could care less whether I live or die. And Lily, I feel as if you _do _care about me. And I think I just need to hear it from you."

Lily smiled a sad smile, and Severus noticed her eyes looked more sparkly than usual. Was she crying? Did he hurt her at all? "Severus, yes, I do care about you. You were my first friend. And whatever goes on with James, I know that you'll be there to rescue me like today. He's a jerk, Potter. And I know that others care about you too. I always thought that you didn't belong in Slytherin, because you are too compassionate. You care immensely for others, even if you don't dole out your friendship freely. I admire your strength Sev, I do."

Severus stared incredulous at her. Was he creating his afterlife, or was someone else controlling it? He was dead, that he was sure of. Or, he was 99% sure he was dead, because as far as he could tell, he just witnessed Lily confess her love. He smiled back at her, a rare and genuine un-grimace upon his face. "Thanks Lily, I am fairly sure that knowing I have someone to rely on, someone that will be there for…" Someone interrupted Severus.

"Yo Snake! Would you an' yer, whadya call it? _Mudblood_ like to come with me an' Rosier to the Shriekin' Shack?" he guffawed. "You know, I think that if she knew da real you…"

Now it was Severus's turn to interject. "Do not even think that you are going to finish that sentence _Avery_." He mocked the name. "Me and my witch want nothing to do with you and your supercilious, contemptible beings. Now if you'll excuse us, _we_ were talking, a concept that you and _yours_ fail to comprehend."

Severus hastily grabbed Lily's hand and began to pull her towards the stairs. Before they got there, however, two others emerged, maniacal smiles on their faces. "Nott, Lestrange." Severus acknowledged them curtly. Three other would-be death eaters followed. "Mulciber, Rosier, Malfoy. Welcome to your party, I and my…friend have work to get done. I hope you enjoy yourselves immensely." Severus spoke with sarcasm. Severus's anger increased as the five would-be death eaters blocked the exit, wands out.

Their expressions consisted of excitement, hatred and disgust. "Why so annoyed? Had enough of the _Mudblood_? Should we show you what we learned at the lesson you missed? We learned how to torture _Mudbloods_. I can demonstrate if you like." Snarled one.

Severus hurled them aside with _impedimenta_ and made for the stairs. Avery, whom Severus had not forgot about, only deemed too foolish to be able to cast any dangerous spells, threw a curse at the stairs.

"_Pyre toicho_!" he shouted at the stairs, a wall of flames leaped from the stairs. "Try escaping _now_ Snape." He revived his cohorts. "Me an my lil amigos won't force you to torture your _girlfriend_ because you'll do it willingly. Won't he mates!" He received ample agreeing sounds from his cronies, and proceeded to attempt a spell on Severus and Lily.

Severus threw his wand to the sky whilst saying, "_Expelliarmus totalus_" which effectively disarmed all of the people on the tower who were wielding wands. Avery flew backwards with the strength of Severus's spell. Lily nudged Severus.

"That's great and all Sev, but how do we get down now?" Lily asked. Severus pointed into the sky, now ablaze with a myriad of twinkling stars. "The stars? How will they help us Sev?"

Avery stood up and found his wand. He snatched his wand from where it had fallen and sniggered at Severus. "You think dat we're finished? You think dat you've won? Ha! well we ain't through yet, your battle ain't won." He sent his cohorts wands flying to them and gestured for them to rise and attack.

Severus raised a shield that repelled most of the spells that they knew, except for the unforgivables. "Let's go now, Lily. Yes, to the stars." He pulled her to the stone wall that kept daft wizards and witches from falling over.

Lily's eyes widened in shock as she realized what Severus was implying. "No, no, Sev. I can fight, this isn't what we should do. Not, 'to the stars' it's not over yet Severus. We can remember the counter to _Pyre toicho_…you do not need to end it."

He placed a placating hand on Lily's shoulder. "I am not that insolent Lily, trust me that I am capable of keeping the person…who I have…affection for…safe." Severus had a difficult time explaining to Lily that he loved her without saying those three words. Bright blue and purple streams of light were deflected by Severus's shield charm.

He awkwardly explained what he needed her to do. "Lily? I am going to have to ask you to do something for me. I will be needing you to listen to what I have to say and then follow my instructions. If you fail to follow these, you will get hurt and then I will be harmed in my attempt to save you. So I need you to obey these…"

"Just say it already!" insisted Lily as some jets of black light rebounded jaggedly towards the offenders.

"Fine," huffed Severus. He took a deep breath as if what he was about to say was incredibly difficult to explain. "Get on my back." Severus placed Lily's hand on his shoulder.

Lily giggled. "And in the gravity of this situation you have the audacity to laugh? You astonish me Lily Evans." Nevertheless, Lily complied and awkwardly scrambled onto Severus's back.

One of Lestrange's spells punctured a hole in Severus's shield, a cruciatus he surmised. Rodolphus was as adamant about the use of that spell as his wife would be.

Severus leapt onto the bleak stone ledge and, grasping Lily's hands tightly, he pranced into the night sky, leaving behind quarreling adolescent boys throwing useless spells at him.


	5. Chapter 5: Waves and a Voice

**A/N This romantic scene (or maybe not so romantic, who knows) is for all of my reviewers. I write for fun and enjoy it. I have midterms coming up, so I will need to take a break for a while. I might try to get a stack of chapters perchance. Who knows? **

**And just so that everyone knows, I don't own any of these characters. Unless I throw in an un-canon character, then he or she will be mine. But, sadly, Lily and Snape belong to JKR.**

* * *

_Life is a mystery  
Everyone must stand alone  
I hear you call my name  
And it feels like home_

_I hear your voice  
It's like an angel sighing  
I have no choice  
I hear your voice_

_Heaven help me!_

_"Like a Prayer" ~ Madonna_

__

_

* * *

_

"Severus!" Lily screamed. "What in heaven's name are you doing? You can't be serious!"

Severus launched himself off of the tower, just like when he jumped off after he realized that the fight was coming to Hogwarts. He was no coward, like McGonagall had said he was, he was resolute about keeping his true colors hidden. He could not afford to release the valuable information given to him until the time was right, so he flew away for a while and watched from a distance. He came back only to save Potter, which culminated with his death. He was sure he was dead, maybe in some sort of limbo that occurred straight before he was sent to Hell to burn for eternity. An eternity without…

"Oh my gosh Sev, you're…you're…" Lily stuttered.

"Flying?" finished Severus, "yes in a sense I am, it's a tricky combination of charms and calculations of the wind. Since when did my death…my former, best, no my acquaintances become so, so bloodthirsty?"

Lily urged Severus to land, she did not enjoy having complete control one hundred feet in the air. "Let's talk when we land Severus, not now."

It was nearing eight-o'clock and the sun had set a long time ago. The two friends landed by the Hogwarts lake and Lily climbed (awkwardly again) off of his back. "Um, thanks for the ride I guess. And you were asking me a question before, something about your friends?"

Severus tilted his head upward in an expression of thought, and finally spoke. "Shall we sit down? This may take some explaining on my behalf." He conjured two sturdy-looking wooden chairs for himself and Lily to occupy. He slowly, with regret perhaps, sat down is his chair and gestured for Lily to do the same.

To any onlookers, the two appeared to be enjoying a romantic night by the lake. Severus was torn. He knew what was supposed to happen. He was supposed to lash out at Lily and she was supposed to never forgive him. Was this real? Was God or Fate or whoever was up there watching him, if anyone even cared enough about him, giving him a second chance?

"Lily," whispered Severus. It was quiet enough that his whisper could be heard above the small waves lapping gently over the pebbles on the shore of the lake. "I'm sorry." he said, even quieter than before.

"What was that Sev?" asked Lily, she hadn't heard him. "Speak up, it matters to me what you say."

Severus looked into Lily's eyes. "I'm…" his voice trailed off until he summoned more courage. "I want to know why I followed those people around for so long. I practically worshiped them—no, I _did_ worship them. I taught them what I knew, and yet, I looked up to them?" He leaned back in his chair, his eyes to the sky now. "I'm thinking of all of the times I had to be your friend, a true friend, and did not act upon it—abandoned opportunities. You know I'm no good with thank yous, but a person cannot continue acting selflessly as you have done so many times without a sign of appreciation." His speech became quieter. "And I appreciate what you've done." He stood up from his dark wood chair and paced by the shore.

The gentle wind blew his long black hair out of his face. The occupant of the other chair followed him and walked to stand beside him. Whatever was troubling her friend, she would be there to console him. "Lily, I…" Lily had shushed Severus by brushing her hand over his lips.

Severus staggered backwards a few steps. Lily's hand fell back to her side.

"I want to let you know that I know I've been a terrible person, and I repent my sins. I wish I could." He let his voice disappear into nothing again. The constellations in the sapphire night sky smiled down upon Severus in approval. _Tell her you love her,_ Severus heard a low susurration. _Tell her you care about her and how much you want her to be happy with you._

Severus broke out of his reverie and _evanescoed _the two chairs he had conjured. Severus abruptly broke the tranquility of the night and spoke in harsh tones. "I'll see you tomorrow in potions, Lily. Good night." And with that, the sixteen year old boy walked towards the castle that was more of a home to him than anything ever was. He walked towards the bright lights spilling from the open doors. The light that had rescued him from his father, oh a few decades earlier, shined brightly for all to see. The waves continued to break and Lily remained where Severus had left her.

* * *

**Outstanding? Troll? Dreadful? Excellent? Let me know. **


	6. Chapter 6: The Voice

**Konichiwa readers. A big thank you to all of my reviewers and those who have put my story on alert. I plan on NOT making this into a love story b/t Sev and Lily, although that will be a part of it. The main idea is self discovery, and hopefully a romance in there too. A few of you have mentioned Sev's maturity and have questioned why no one else (from the story) is noticing, and for one, I think that Severus would have behaved 'proper' and spoke intelligently even while following future death eaters around. Two, I have made this into a slight AU story (it really _is_ an alternate universe, Sev is not, well, alive anymore) So perhaps the others (meaning other students at Hogwarts) just don't notice him at all and are there like scenery. **

**

* * *

**

Severus headed towards the castle—a beacon of light to him. His entire being begged him to turn around and walk back towards Lily, who still stood by the water, emitting a soft glow. 'Tell her you love her' what is that supposed to mean? He questioned himself. Am I supposed to just confess my love for her? No love is for those who are too weak to deal with hate. I've loved being hated, it's been easy. _Then aren't you shying away from loving? And yes, you should go back there Severus Snape. Tell her. _

Severus Snape did not listen to the voice however; he walked briskly through the doors into the ever-welcoming school of magic. He briefly looked at himself in the mirror, and saw himself, the almost-forty-year-old man's eyes staring back at him. His body had stayed sixteen, but his eyes were somber and pensive. They were not the innocent eyes that he had stared into a few days earlier. They were lugubrious, grown dark by some undetectable force.

He scowled and continued walking. He may have trudged into the dungeons, afraid to face the wrath of his fellow Slytherins, but as was mentioned earlier. Snapes do not trudge. They traverse the hallways menacingly with an evil glare. And in truth, Severus knew that his 'friends' would most likely accept him, so long as he proved himself worthy. He would speak with them tomorrow and make up for his deserting them. Or should he? Should he let them be and leave them to their own failure? It seemed so Severus-like to not care what others did, so he decided to worry about himself and focus on Lily.

His scrawny self entered the dismal common room and he walked briskly to his four-post bed, avoiding the offended looks on some of the Slytherin's faces. There he took off his robes and donned his nightshirt. He scrambled into bed and said _lumos,_ accioed a book and read. He read one of the books he had plucked out of the library shelves, where he found all of his books.

They were never in the restricted section; though that is where all of the students went to look for Dark books. The books he needed were hidden—in plain sight. They were stocked so that an unsuspecting wizard could stroll past them without noticing a book with a Dark history. He was reading up about what happened to the creators of horcruxes when all of their pieces were destroyed.

_There are only a few known creators of Horcruxes, which is when one splits his soul in two pieces. By doing this, the creator enables himself to die, and still survive, provided the other Horcrux is still accessible. If the other Horcrux was destroyed, either on accident, or on purpose, the person most likely perishes the same way any mortal man would. _Did he die then? Is Voldemort dead? Surely Potter killed him with the help of his memories, but Severus wondered what happened to the Dark Lord. Did he, go on? Was he burning in Hell where Severus thought that he, himself should be? There were so many questions that had to be answered. He continued to read. _If the creator demonstrates remorse for the crimes he has committed, particularly the murder that had to be carried out, then his soul is healed and pardoned. If not however, and the Horcrux is not regrettable, the creator will suffer immensely for his crimes. What this suffering entails, one would have to come back from the afterlife and share that news with us. Until then, the mystery remains. As seen with objects such as the resurrection stone, fashioned by Death himself,_

Severus shut the book gently. He had read what he wanted to. His master would suffer, and for that he was grateful. Whatever the punishment, Voldemort deserved it. Severus was sure that he would not show remorse of any sort if presented with the option.

The boy whispered _nox_ and turned onto his back, staring at the top curtain of his bed. It was black, like all of the bed's curtains were, but something intangible was amiss. Severus shrugged it off as déja-vu from being in the same bed God knows how long ago, and falling asleep so many times, wishing that he'd never wake up. His eyes raked over the curtain above him, as his eyes adjusted to the dark, he could make out the imperfections in the fabric. There was a small tear at the upper left hand corner, about two centimeters big, that let in miniscule amounts of light. Severus closed his eyes for a few seconds, wanting to see how bright that light would be after he opened his eyes again.

He counted to thirty, and upon opening his dark brown eyes, his four-post bed was illuminated with blue light, which was not at all what he expected. His eyes wandered to the tear in the curtain and saw a blue orb squeezing through, blinding Severus with the light.

Immediately, he sat up and let his wand fall out of his sleeve into his waiting hand. "Who enters?" he questioned.

_Fate here, and you have botched it up again dear. I want to show you something tomorrow, so bear with me. _

Great, Severus thought. What a wonderful prospect. He watched as the blue light faded and his bed was just as dark as it was before. It appeared to be even darker, for his eyes had yet to adjust. He cast a tempus spell and saw that is was two minutes till midnight, and placed his wand back into the slot in his sleeve. He threw his head back onto his pillow, watching as the darkness became gradually lighter. It appeared to be grey now.

Without warning, Severus felt a tugging at his navel, far worse than in using a portkey. It was as if he was being squeezed into paper and then let free again. He opened his eyes, and with an annoyed huff, whipped out his wand again. He sat up and cast a tempus—again. Had he fallen asleep? No, apparently he hadn't, for the time shown was one minute after twelve. Strange, but Severus decided that he had enough abnormalities while trying to fall asleep, so he gave up on the idea. He _accioed_ a book from his bags and began to read. He let himself pretend to read, because he already knew every word in the book.

He went through about five other books like that, predicting what the author was going to say, and then refuting it with little notes made in the margins. When he was younger, well, at this point in his life, he had always fantasized about giving one of the marked-up copies to the original author and watching his reaction. That had never happened, and he could only wonder. Most of the authors were already dead. Like me, he tacked on as an afterthought.

Well, whatever the case, tomorrow, or today, given that it was past midnight, would prove to be an interesting day.

* * *

**And tomorrow, if I find time, I will write the 7th chapter. But, my coaches/parents/self have been chiding me for staying up so late (mostly reading) so I should get some decent shut-eye hours tonight since I have a midterm tomorrow. Hope you liked the chapter. Review! **


	7. Chapter 7: An Experiment with Fate

**Hey guys, sorry it's been a while. Don't worry, my ideas haven't disappeared, it's just that I haven't had the time to articulate them in writing. Here's something from the next chapter: **

"I don't want help from a mudblood like you." Sneered Severus. After saying these hurtful words, he stalked off, not turning back. He turned the corner into another long corridor and paused as he regained consciousness. _What just happened?_ He thought.

He ran back, black robes flowing elegantly behind him to see where his Lily had gone. He entered the hallway that he had left her in, and spotted her walking in the opposite direction with her chin up and her red hair steraming out behind her. He admired her ability to bounce back when someone (aka himself) pushed her down. He wished he could do the same.

**I know it was short, but I'll be back with more soon. I promise. For real. Only if I get at least...ah well, I'll come back anyway. But, review please? Maybe give me some ideas. Or do some Severus bashing?**


	8. Chapter 8: Insight

**Chapter 8: Insight**

**"**The truth resists simplicity"

Severus paled as he formulated hypotheses in his mind. Was he dead? He clearly had not been in control of the situation earlier. As he thought about it, the events came back to him.

* * *

_He had been walking back from his lame meeting with the future death eaters. He heard the familiar voice. "Well, well. What have we here? I heard that you were cavorting with my girlfriend yesterday. And you know what, I can't have that." Sneered James Potter, as Severus lay flat on the cold ground—pushed down by a tripping jinx and held there by stares._

_With waning confidence Severus retorted. "You don't even know what the word 'cavorting' means do you Potter? Because, surely I did nothing of the sort with any girlfriend of yours. I don't settle for imaginary people." _

_James Potter leaped with his wand and made a jabbing motion towards his nemesis—the guy with the attention of his crush. Purple spots appeared over Severus's face, and a second movement of Potter's wand caused his hair to turn red. _

_With anger in his dark eyes, Severus spat at James. "You are nothing without people under you. You don't respect yourself. I pity you." He then attempted to get up off the floor, but a spell from the wand of Sirius Black, who had been lurking in the background, prevented him. Snakes sprouted from the earth, holding him to the ground. _

_A flash of red caught his eye, and suddenly, Lily Evans was shouting at James, who had his disgustingly sappy grin and disgustingly sappy eyes hanging on her every word. It was truly disgusting, Severus thought. _

_She shooed him away and walked back to Severus, who had been watching the situation unfurl. By this point, a small crown had gathered in the distance, not wanting to come too close. "Severus, why does this always happen to you." Lily frowned at his appearance, and waved her wand a few times, fixing the damage. She then banished the snakes, and offered a hand. He refused her offer of help however._

_The words that were spoken in the meeting he had been returning from were fresh in his mind. It is weakness to admit that one needs something weaker than oneself. It should be power that is desired. _

"_I don't want help from a Mudblood" he said viciously. His words destroyed the remnants of Lily's and his relationship. "Like you."_

* * *

And that was what he remembered. And he remembered.

Why did it have to happen twice to him? Why was he being tortured even more? He knew that he had lost her respect—he knew that he could never earn it back. Because Merlin knows, he spent the rest of his life wishing that she would respect him once again.

The rest of the day whirled past him, Severus had decided that there was no point in redoing his education, he knew everything—for Merlin's sake, he taught the classes he was in now. So instead of listening, he thought. Why. It was the question that plagued him.

He could not fathom that he would have to relive this moment over and over for the rest of eternity. But then, he remembered something.

His first day here—wherever here was—he had a wonderful time with Lily, however awkward it might have been. Thus was their relationship: awkward friendship and studying. He did truly enjoy the witty conversations that he could have with Lily at times—she was his intellectual equal on most subjects.

And there was that voice, which urged him to say that he loved Lily, but he didn't follow its advice. But he was through following people, and voices in his head constituted a person. He would do what he wanted tomorrow, and apologize to Lily—properly.

He lay in his bed, surrounded by the darkness, the only sounds the thoughts in his head, and quietly drifted to sleep.

In the morning, the grey light shining through the fake windows did nothing to brighten Severus's melancholy mood. He glanced at the calendar, and startled, he noticed that it was still March sixth. It was in his mind—yesterday. Was he being given another chance?

In his mind, he was laughing with joy. Surely he could not screw this up a third time. As he began his day, he failed to notice the small ball of blue light that followed him around Hogwarts.

**Author's note: Wow guys. I'm sorry. I'm sure all of you know what it's like to have so much work. And I swear, I'd love to finish this, and have the little word 'complete' appear. It is highly irritating, knowing precisely what I wish to say, but not having the time to say it. I have a project to do for school coming up—maybe I'll use this story to procrastinate. Well, thanks for reading. :) **


End file.
